Satire · A fictional product
Threat level: Mauve
We read 13,000 school board agendas so you don’t have to think about any of them.
AWARE-ish scans every agenda in America every twelve hours, assigns a threat score we invented, and delivers a confident alert before anyone has read the actual document. Zero context. Maximum urgency.
Item 7.b — Book fair flyer uses the word “inclusion.”
DistrictCedar Hollow Unified (fictional), IA
Agenda posted41 hours before the meeting
Board voteTuesday, 6:00 p.m.
Why it mattersThe word appears twice. Our model reads that as twice the risk.
Suggested actionArrive early. Bring a concerned face.
The watchlist
What we flag
Our taxonomy is exhaustive, in the sense that it never stops.
The word “equity”
Appears in four of five strategic plans, usually next to the word “excellence.” We have stopped reading past it.
Books with weather
A cloud on the cover is a known gateway to metaphor. A rainbow is a whole different department.
Teacher enthusiasm
Sustained smiling may indicate engagement. We are looking into it.
Consultants
If the vendor’s last name is also a noun, flag the contract. If it is also a virtue, call your chapter.
Pronouns in email
We do not read the emails. We simply assume.
Unannounced fire drills
Unscheduled, like the agenda. Coincidence? We don’t investigate.
Process
Four steps to a five-alarm feeling
No sources. No context. No waiting for the meeting to actually happen.
Scrape
We pull every agenda we can find, then a few we can’t. Volume is the point.
Score
Keywords become numbers. Numbers become certainty. Certainty becomes a graphic.
Alarm
Your chapter gets a push notification with a red header and a suggested facial expression.
Fundraise
Urgency converts. Nothing converts like a Tuesday night vote you heard about on Friday.
“We don’t need to know what it means. We just need you to be upset about it.”
Brenda Vandergrift · Founder & Chief Concern Officer
Evidence, allegedly
Recent case files
A sample of the incidents our imaginary analysts have closed this week.
The Library Duck
A picture book about a duck was ordered for the elementary library. Flagged for “avian symbolism.”
The Inclusive Flyer
A fall festival flyer said “all families are welcome.” Scored 9 out of 10. Two board members were notified before it was printed.
The Consultant Named Equity
A vendor was flagged because the contract included the word “equity.” The contract was for a fire alarm inspection.
The Smiling Teacher
A district website photo showed a teacher smiling. Rated “sustained and possibly ideological.” The photo was from 1998.
These outlets do not exist. Neither does the coverage.
Start a cell in your district
No experience necessary. No evidence required. Just a Tuesday night and a feeling.